Diary of a Med Change : Week 2

This week I’m to stop taking the venlafaxine altogether and increase the duloxetine so a complete change again

Daily I will be taking :

● 1000mg depokote

●60 mg of Duloextine

Day Eight

Woke up at 4 am and couldn’t stop thinking of death – what if Lee died ? He doesn’t have a will … who would be able to access his bank account and sort out those affairs ? I don’t have a will … what would I leave anyway ? Apart from debt …but seriously why I am not organised ? I need to be organised but what is there to organise ? 

Back to bed , and alarm wakes me at 7am

I take my meds at 8 am and follow the written  down instructions as my mind feels foggy .. I try and remember what my mood stabilisers are called the ones I’ve been taking for six years … I have no idea 

As soon as I start moving I’m sweating and my hands are shaking visibly … slight headache…backaches… my contact lenses fall out … I can’t put them in due to shakes … slight chills and again just exhausted

Have I mentioned the itchy skin yet ? Had it all last week , it’s still there and the red burn  like mark under my left breast with peeling yellow dry skin that appeared overnight . I ve had that on my inner thighs for a while ….thought it was due to being fat.

There’s a painful lump under my chin appeared from nowhere , assuming my glands have started to play up. 

Day Nine

Yesterday had to be the worst psychical wise , the flu like symptoms started which led to me waking with the venlafaxine sweats this morning. My bed sheets are wet and I reek of decay where it’s escaping my pores.

Shivering, sweating and itchy skin I climb back to bed when I can. I don’t want to get back up . I feel like I’m dying in all senses , the life I lead certainly isn’t living even when I’m not dealing with this.

I do have a sharp sense of clarity though , I speak up when he tells me to shut up and say no I will no longer be oppressed by you all . They all tell me I’m wrong constantly , my thoughts and feelings arent valid … normally I’m so drugged I don’t retaliate. 

Beginning to suspect this is purposely done; what if they ve been drugging me all these years because they can’t handle the truth ? What if I know stuff they are all trying to suppress ? What if this is a national or even worldwide thing? How would I know ? 

Day Ten 

Had an accident . Lost control of bowels.Again. Still not holding back when it comes to other people annoying me .

Oh God really sharp pain in the middle of my chest …..

Off and on pains so after six hours call 111 -Well after telling me that according to my answers an ambulance should be really sent out but they don’t think I’ve had some sort of mini heart attack and wait for a Dr to call in an hour – an hours more than gone and guess what – no phone call 😠 I’m still here though , really think it’s all to do with the medication withdrawal tbh .

When someone did *eventually* call , they couldn’t tell me what was happening or why and mentioned if I felt worse go to drs .

Day eleven – bit headachey and sinusey but that’s the heat – chest still a bit heavy but feel ok ish if not really sluggish ….

At drs to get my new prescription – they have not had any contact from ash Eaton didn’t even know about med change 😠😠😠😠

After a forty minute wait I *may* have lost it slightly when the Dr would only give me a weeks worth of new pills until Dr Koen can confirm – as I explained tearfully it’s the start of the summer holidays next week I live a 45 min walk away and I have a child with behavioural problems – it’s not guaranteed I can get to the drs or even remember for a prescription hence why I like to have a supply in store for summer !!! I couldn’t even remember my chemists name i go to …

At least the drs confirmed yesterday’s chest pains were because of the med withdrawal – however he can’t understand why they are withdrawing me so quickly whilst doing a cross med

Day Twelve 

Headache and tired , lack of patience and irritable. Everyone staring at me when i tell my kids off . Fell asleep didn’t want to get back up but had to because of Ryan insisting. What’s the point though ?

It’s late and I’m tired but I’m guilty and sad … I don’t like the person I was today … the mum who tried to have a family day out and failed , the stroppy and cross mum when Ryan had two meltdowns, the mum who was so aware of people watching us and judging but also those who would look at me if I said anything that was a moan about the day in general. Everyone thinks I’m wrong.i hate complaining but I hate this life.nothing is good or simple or easy . It’s like they are looking because I’m acting inappropriately when I’m not , I’m telling my children not to do something and they are ignoring me for the millionth time . So I will tell them I’m fed up with their behaviour. I can’t stand Lee telling me to shut up or acting all angry even if I ask him a question or call his name to get his attention.

I hate feeling like the bad person. I wasn’t medicated enough to deal with today … I did the best I could but as usual my best is not enough. Ffs I let my son sit on my lap and pee into my black dress he was in such a state of distress to cover his embarrassment because I couldn’t risk taking him back over a busy road to the toilets we’d just been running in and out of the last twenty minutes whilst he was having an episode. I’m tired and I didn’t handle his meltdown well , I’m not well , people think I’m a terrible person 

Day Thirteen

There is light at the end of the tunnel apparently but my head is killing and I feel like I’ve been drained completely. For days it’s been too tiring to even contemplate starting a conversation because that would involve stringing words together to make a sentence.

Day Fourteen

No longer psychically ill with it all but extremely exhausted, I feel completely drained of all energy. 

So I literally can’t control what comes out of my mouth or my reactions – a man was driving on the pavement to park whilst a friend and I were walking and he was talking on his phone and I just started shouting at him !!! He shouted back but I couldn’t even process what he was saying … thing is I can’t even get into the whole shame/guilt cycle because I know he was in the wrong . This is so unlike me . Yet I’m caught between learnt shame and liking it.

So that’s the two weeks up and it’s been pure hell … however , I’m now off the demonstration drug after six years .

I now need to readjust to my new state of mind and let the new meds start working but hey with a four to six week build up of those , it may be a journey.

To catch my first week experiences check out Diary of a med change and if you find this helpful or know someone who will please share xxx

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