The 1st of July saw me return to being an Adult Mental Health outpatient and back with my psychatrist – Dr Koen.
Speaking to him about the fact I’ve basically been left to my own devices (again) this past year and the fact my meds hadn’t been working since September properly , he was firstly shocked then proceeded to attempt to rectify the situation.
After sending an emergency referall to psychotherapy ( still waiting ) and deciding I need a care course ordinator asap, he also decided to FINALLY get me off the devil’s drug Venlafaxine whilst putting me on a new one that is equivalent.
I never thought I’d be able to do this whilst the kids were young , the withdrawal being too bad , I never was told I could cross meds ….but I can meaning I can come off slowly whilst starting the new meds.
So here is my new dosage …here is the crossover , here is my diary of what it really is like to come off a medication and how it affects you psychically and mentally ….
This week I am taking daily
● 1000mg Depokote ( mood stabilisers)
● 150 mg Venlafaxine (anti depressents)
● 30mg of Duloextine (equivalent to 150 mg of venlafaxine apparently)
I’m no longer allowed to take codeine for my prolapsed discs and sciatica as duloxetine has pain relief in it as well … I forgot what I was told about opiates and ibuprofen so will be doing without until I see Dr Koen again
– head won’t stop talking to me ,I’m creating monologues in there and having conversations with people, I wish it’d just shut up and give me some peace. have got the shakes really really bad , feel sick , binge ate , passed out for an hour – ended up in bed after throwing up at half six last night, shivering and cold , can’t keep eyes open but took hours to drift off.
Having some really deep and quite profound thoughts – what if , based on the belief that we are born each time through the zodiac until we get to Pisces which is our end life and we have learnt all our lessons, I am on the cusp of Aquarius and Pisces because I’m trapped ? I havnt learnt life’s lessons – all 12 lives ? And I can’t move onto the next until I do ? Would explain why I keep making the same mistakes ….
Woke up at 5.30 am and couldn’t read watch properly , woke up Lee telling him he’s late for work …. he wasnt ….bad dreams …. Warren Fox from hollyoaks was trying to kill me … I don’t even watch hollyoaks …. feel nauseous and head feels like someone s bashed one side in with a hammer…
the sweats have kicked in now and feeling dizzy , needed to go to town but couldn’t manage it so went to my dad’s to rest … nibbled on some crackers to stop feeling faint
The sweats have changed to chills andI swear if I start seeing a baby crawling on the ceiling with its head spinning round like in trainspotting that’s it !!!!!
Almost threw up in playground picking kids up from school and uncontrollable shivering.
Again difficulty drifting off to sleep , am bothered by recent events that I wish didn’t bother me but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Paranoia at an all time high , but is it paranoia if you are right ? I know I’m right I just can’t work out why it’s happened (again)
Then decided it would be marvellous if envy showed on people’s faces , turned them green like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizarding of Oz … I’m comforted by that thought.
after a particularly dodgy night of upset stomach and horrible dreams woke up full of energy for all of ten minutes, binge ate (again) then alternatively hot and cold – however mind is feeling sharper so think it’s a good sign – ache a bit though ….
Feel the need to analyse again and chain smoke … at least the nausea had gone for the time being … tired eyes ..back to not really wanting to get on with day whilst knowing there’s a lot to do … house is a tip …energy s completely worn off
I feel more human at least , though hypersensitivity of the eyes and slightly sweaty … I manage four hours before my stomach upset starts again… realising I’m shaking in the hands and I havnt eaten since 6.30 am and it’s now mid day so a packet of crisps and a French fancy fill a hole. But starting to feel weak and tired. Time to rest .
Home time with kids and to be honest they really are at their bratty best , I find myself irritable and really telling them off – something I normally don’t do as I’m usually so numb to everything. But I’m annoyed and feel it’s my right to tell them that actually their behaviour is not acceptable. They disagree and I know if their dad was here he would too.
Which then spirals into the whole guilt , what if I’m wrong , with if my thoughts and feelings arent valid ? Justified ?
Seems like the more psychically better I’m feeling compared to the last two days the more erratic my mood and thoughts are.
P.S I still feel like crap I just don’t feel like I’m dying so it’s a bonus
Day four energy zapped , sweaty and erratic followed by stomach cramps and finally an upset stomach
Have had a bad afternoon /evening withdrawal wise – seriously been tempted to either throw a load of the old meds down my neck to stop it or perhaps take some opiates and ibuprofen but know I can’t until I’ve spoken to a med professional as I can’t remember if I’m still allowed them – know codeine is now a big NO – however , I’ve muddled through and am feeling more human for the time at least
Have had a bad afternoon evening withdrawal wise – seriously been tempted to either throw a load of the old meds down my neck to stop it or perhaps take some opiates and ibuprofen but know I can’t until I’ve spoken to a med professional as I can’t remember if I’m still allowed them – know codeine is now a big NO – however , I’ve muddled through and am feeling more human for the time at leasthe
Extremely emotional , all I want to do is cry …. I feel guilty that I kicked off when my dad said I couldn’t be bothered and that’s why my daughters swimming costume isn’t washed or dried …but seriously …couldn’t be bothered ? How about I genuinely thought it was in the wash I had finally managed to put on this morning ? How about I live in a house with three other people who could of helped me out this week ? How about technically I should be on bed rest but still getting the kids to school each day and feeding them and attending sports days and planning birthday parties ? How about people just cut me some slack ? How about I don’t keep getting told to shut up when I mention how ill I am ? How about everyone doesn’t ignore the pain I’m in and instead try a little sympathy ? How about I stop feeling like I’m always in the wrong and everyone encouraging me to think that way and that my responses aren’t really or even valid ? How about we stop making me the villian in all of this ?
I’m trying my best and I know it isn’t good enough and I’m sorry.
Apart from a dodgy stomach and occasional chills at least I psychically feel ok apart from the constant exhaustion. I force myself to hang out some washing but can’t manage the full load so just make sure I hang the kids uniforms out for Monday ..There’s a sink full of washing up from the past week and the place badly needs hovering and tidying but I’m too tired I’ve only been up four hours so far .
Woke up soaked from the night sweats but feel more emotionally stable today and stomach has been OK too. Of course, I have the usual extreme tiredness …
Withdrawal is back with a vengeance , heavy head and body . Extreme tiredness slept for 5 hours straight. Violently shaking with hunger. Shivering with cold although it’s very warm weather wise .
Tired so bloody tired and anxious , I know my moods dropped along with the venlafaxine, I know that the new meds havnt kicked in yet and I know tomorrow I’ll stop taking the venlafaxine altogether and be upping the new ones.
I know there s more psychical withdrawal symptoms to come and it’s going to be as horrific as this week’s have been.
I also know as my mind has a kind of clarity I don’t have when I’m not as dosed up that I don’t have any support from my nearest and dearest . I should of been on bed rest this week , I should of had someone take over looking after the kids for me until I was completely crossed over . But I didn’t.
This is the saddest thing about being me , the indifference – I get more love and support from strangers on the Internet than I do my own family. But even sadder is its no longer a surprise.
I got through this week and it was pure hell and I basically did it alone – that’s why I’m still here after all these years , that’s why the illness has never truly killed me off because I’ve always been alone when it comes to facing it.
Diary of a med change week 2
For more blogs on living with mental illness and medication , you may like to check out my section Beyond the Borderline posts