I ve recently been sent a copy of The Pursuit of Happiness and even though I’m only on Chapter 4 I find myself wondering about my own pursuit .
Or to be more specific, what *it* is that’s making me unhappy ?
OK, with the bpd, depression and anxiety it is a given I’m pretty miserable as due course but I ve noticed (and maybe this is progress ) that I specifically become more unhappy when I begin to display certain erratic behaviours.
But why do these behaviour s develop? Is there a trigger to my unhappiness?
For surely by finding the cause you can change the effect?
I ve been looking back at the past two weeks where I have gone from feeling happy and content to down to the pits of despair of self loathing and I’m trying to discover why.
I become evil when I’m tired , I’m like a toddler who’s missed nap time …. I cry , I sulk , everything and anything is a problem. I literally have no get up and go , no motivation … and it’s difficult. This can be just from going to bed later , missing an afternoon nap which I have to take in order to keep my mood in balance or even just a day out.
2) Hunger/Bad Eating Habits
I ll admit I don’t have three regular meals a day – I ll skip breakfast , grab a sandwich for lunch , pick at general crap but end up feeling crap myself .
I seem to either starve or binge and nothing is healthy.
I’m no domestic goddess , that’s for sure but the exhaustion/depression/lack of motivation traps me into a spiral of not keeping up with the housework. The mess makes me more miserable therfore I don’t do anything and the vicious circle continues. The messier the house is , the more messier my mind.
5) Erratic spending/financial worries
I have periods where I spend like there’s no tomorrow – some where I can’t control myself and feel I deserve a treat but more likely when I have the kids and can’t say no . I then feel powerless and out of control allowing myself to go overdrawn and liable to charges just so I can survive the week. And borrowing money off others to do so also. Making me feel guilty , ashamed . Knowing I need to save for uniform yet having to each month spend those savings and then worrying about when the day comes for purchase and not having any. Wanting to be able to go on days out and have fun yet lack of funds to do so
Of course , these are the things I have identified so far .. there are a lot of things I also feel guilty about which then leads to unhappiness , a general restlessness of myself where I feel I should be living not purely existing but not having the ability to pull myself through the fog or out of the mud in order to do so.
I know these triggers I’ve listed are all connected, start with one and they will all become better.
I logically know if I start to eat better , I feel better , if I rest I will have more energy , if I clean and am in better surroundings my mood will lift. If I budget and stick to it then my self worth will raise. If I took control and said no I would again feel better about myself.
I know all this logically, I’ve even done it before , yet firstly applying it when you feel so frozen is difficult and then keeping up the momentum when you’re there , when it is literally you doing everything in a family of four and no one helps yet hinders can drag you down within an instant and again you have to drag yourself back up…. I ll get there I ve made the first positive step in writing this post and identifying what’s making me unhappy this week. I know what I need to do and I also know I will do it , just maybe not today ….