I used to be quite shocked at this poem, whilst secretly agreeing whole heartedly I couldn’t believe someone would ever have the balls to get it out there….
Well, until this happened ….
In the playground my dad and friend who shall remain nameless decide to have in depth moans about me : he moans I spend all day there and you’d have thought I’d go home and clean my house. Also maybe now I’m closer to the shop I ll do my own fag and coke runs.
Apparently, she agrees and makes him worse. This is hurtful, I know my dad is two faced but I can categorically state the only time I ve ever asked him to bring me fags and coke is when the Foo is off ill and I can’t get out of the house.
There are reasons I’d spend the day at his and there are reasons my old house was never clean . You’d think being retired he’d enjoy the company. Obviously not .
So as I processed this information, I found myself more and more annoyed and upset. I wondered if mum had been ranting after her epic clean of the old place this weekend and he’d actually been saying more than I’d been told.
I thought I’d ask her , though I wasn’t going to argue the point. I even told her she would have been justified to ( again me trying to please) – her “hello” in a quiet voice tells me she doesn’t want to speak to me , her denial then almost instant “well I may of said something I was so angry with you Saturday ” told me she had . When I explained what dad had been doing and that it had upset me I got ” you need to talk to him. This conversation has nothing to do with me” . End call.
I feel like crying, for so many reasons , here I am trying to explain that I’m hurt and resolve the situation in a diplomatic way without kicking off which is usually my case and I’m being shot down.
As anything I do to improve myself and my mental health issues is met by.
Also that she is angry with me. Not with herself that her daughter was struggling so bad and so Ill and she didn’t bother to notice or care despite my repeatedly telling her.
To be honest if she does stop speaking to me for “at least three days” as she informed Lee, I probably wouldn’t normally even notice. She doesn’t call me or visit although I live up the road. It can be weeks before I even get a glimpse of her.
As for dad , sadly I wasn’t surprised but he certainly had no right to say those things and not in the playground and not with my friend. To be honest, the plan is not to be going there as much now I’m in this new place and feeling more settled and happier. I want to gain more independence, I want to start cleaning regularly – not doing so doesn’t make me feel any better about myself.
The thing with my parents is they claim they want me to be more independent, but the truth is whenever I try they always do something to keep me clinging on. Dad’s insisting he ll pick the kids up for me when I say it’s OK I ll come down and get the bus from school and refusing to let me say no. Mums continual practical yet lack of emotional support.
To be honest , it’s no wonder I am like I am this has been my life for 33 years but it’s time I took control of myself, my children and most certainly my emotions. Knowing what I found out today would usually send me into a pit of despair and running to hide under the covers. But I don’t. In fact, I’m actually using it as a catapult to improvement. The sad thing is I’m always trying to please them and looking for their approval yet no matter what I do or how hard I try , I never managed it. Maybe it’s time I pleased myself – maybe that way I can heal.