Woke up from a restless sleep by the youngest demanding I get up , am soaked with the venlafaxine sweats that ooze decay out of my pores and leave the tangled sheet s wrung out.
Can’t remember if I took the meds yesterday and this is withdrawal or just the reoccurring night sweats they produce.
Stagger downstairs for nicotine , the Foo snuggles under his blanket and plays Disney Infinity as I quench my raging thirst with Pepsi max , my eyes refuse to open until I’m halfway through my second fag and I can grab my phone to flick through Facebook like a morning newspaper. 30 notification s . Sigh.
Something catches my attention and I find myself searching tumblr for photos of Frances Shea to post on my friends group as she has little photos left of her aunt. I like to help where I can. I check both blog stats and feel kinda productive. I can chill this morning , no need to rush as have a lift and plenty of cigarettes to see me through.
Time has flown and I must get anais up , if I’m to dress , get Foo dressed and breakfast for the kids. I don’t eat. I barely put a brush through my hair and throw on whatever I’ve found laying on the floor to wear.
I feel like doing something today. A very rare feeling. I take my meds , and do the school run. I’m feeling pretty good actually. Do the mummy things , speak to teachers about my worries , pay this week’s dinner money , tell the kids to have a good day …. pass someone I used to be friends with who I swear muttered sket as I walked past. But today I even found this hilarious , I mean I ve been in this girls house for God’s sake !!! Pot…… kettle……black
Especially as she’s just died her hair blonde but it has gone that fetching shade of YELLA and she’s deliberately put ginger in the back ….but I digress
I’m feeling very much …
This feeling lasts until I decide to go to the cafe , I’m starving all of a sudden , poached egg on toast. Twice. It ll kill some time before I can do what I planned to do …
But as usual the cafe is jammed with 6 parents from the Foo s year who overtake the middle of the cafe and sort of have their gang. I’m not part of that, I got a hello from one or two as I went in – one actually made conversation but no invitation to sit with them. Which i actually think is quite rude.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being alone , I mostly prefer it to be honest and if somewhere where I don’t know anyone I’m comfortable. But put me in a situation where I know people and I’m uncomfortable. ….all my insecurities come flooding out. Its a battle between insecurities and narcissism …
why am I not good enough to be invited ?
Seriously, you are better than that, they aren’t a cool group , they re sitting there bitching about someone who was sitting with them last week.
But what’s wrong with me eee?
I’m way cooler than so and so ….whats so interesting about them ?
So I sat there doing my group blog whilst planning a blog about this exact situation called the outsider.
I feel like shit. I feel like no one wants to talk to me. I feel lonely. I feel insecure. I feel miserable because I feel like that. I feel annoyed because I feel like that.
Then after half an hour two decide I’m worth speaking to and my mood changes … I m happy and almost grateful and disgusted with myself. I seriously don’t need validation from people who choose when to talk to me but obviously I am pathetic and am needy.
Most confusingly is I’m not sure what is my actual opinion on any of it, it’s like two different lorraines (at least) with these two opposing views and there’s no in between – which Lorraine am I?
The confident , intelligent, narcissistic Lorraine ?
The weak , pathetic, lonely , obviously unlikeable, strange Lorraine?
I’m also exhausted from this complete 180 and back at emotions and thoughts. I leave the cafe and don’t want to do what I had planned …but exhausted as I am I don’t want to go to my dad’s and sleep yet and I don’t want to go home ….I actually ask some old man what I should do today but got peed off when he replied “housework”
Sod it I have a free bus pass and the stops over the road. I WILL do what I planned today. So I end up in town and Im too wary to make eye contact with anyone as I’m convinced they’re staring at me or they think I’m staring at them. Its a dangerous situation.
I take part in a three way message conversation with friends in south Africa and Australia about launching an online magazine whilst sitting on a wall smoking a fag and surrounded by pigeons.
I get stared at so much by an ex friends partner I’m unsure if he s trying to intimidate me or catch my eye to talk. I keep my tunnel vision.
Finally I make my way to a pottery studio I’ve wanted to go to for ages …. I babble too much upon entering , nearly die from the prices but spend a relaxing hour painting. I feel soothed and happy after I leave and exhausted. ….
I go to my dad’s, chat for a bit then take a nap …it only lasts an hour but I can’t go back to sleep I’ve got to pick the kids up from school… I raid my mum’s secret chocolate drawer before I go and then buy more in the spar …. my weight is awful at the moment but I need to eat crap.
The playground isn’t too bad tonight , I chat and joke with my friend before getting our lift home. Kids are happy. On the way I thought I saw an ex of 15 years ago with his kids and was filled with an overwhelming sadness. I couldn’t even be bothered to analyse it. I just wanted to cry. And I’m not even sure if it was him .
We get in – finally I can put my pajamas back on . I have to have half an hour and a couple of smokes before I start the kids dinner …. we chat , they fight and argue , I actually tell Ryan it’s his own fault if she pinched him for once as he’s been pulling her hair.
I also told him if he made bald patches in her head I would cut his hair to superglue on hers. Pretty impressive idle threat I thought.
But I’m numb , I keep telling them , they don’t listen , it’s constant day in day out, I leave them to it it ll fizzle out in ten mins and it does
So that’s how it goes kids eat their dinner and play Infinity, I catch up with group stuff and messaging to south Africa. I post a blog. I promote on twitter, tumblr and Google plus.
I make garlic bread. I don’t make Lee dinner . I don’t make me dinner. He comes home with cake …… it was reduced.
Anais off to guides tonight so I know it’s going to be difficult, Ryan will want 100% attention and God help me if I slip 1% .
I take a bath before that happens, my mind is working overtime , mostly about this blog, mostly about what went on today. I stay so long I become wrinkly and it reminds me of the time I cried because I had to get out of the bath for the very same reason. …. crying was easy back then now you can’t force the tears you’re so drugged up.
Ryan pops up asking me to set up the computer, I say I ll be down in a minute, surprisingly he isn’t being clingy or demanding for a change .I d worried over nothing. He kept himself entertained bouncing a ball up and down the stairs. It was annoying but no reaction from me , I go downstairs he’s watching simpson s with his dad so I remove myself from the room – for some reason I can’t be in the same room for long .
For the next hour we sit together waiting for anais, he sits on my lap for a while , when anais comes home she shows me a fan she’s made. I genuinely smile . They go to bed . Within 15 mins he’s starting, he’s eaten so much and coughing so much he’s made himself sick so I go up and sit with him in bed.
They ve got the annoying fgteev on despite knowing I become irritable as hell when that’s on …and I moan …and I dislike myself for moaning but it’s gone 9pm they should be asleep and I don’t want to watch spoilt american children purchasing an entire supermarket with their equally annoying dad – and yes I know it s a lot of jealousy on my part. I’ve analysed all that. But they’re still annoying… and spoilt .
Finally at 10pm Ryan allows me to leave the room , he needs to sleep , anais needs to sleep I need to sleep but I need to blog this first as too many thoughts …..
I’m smoking on the doorstep doing this and Lee keeps talking to me – I’m irritable as hell , answering abruptly thinking stfu, disliking myself for it but seriously needing to be left alone ….
Today has now been logged , this is just one day in the life and actually it was a good day for me ….another day I may have reacted different, thought different, felt different and that’s the thing you never know what it’s going to be or why …one tiny thing can swing your mood within seconds and the after effects can last minutes, days, weeks , months even
This is my experience of BPD but again it’s my experience on one day